the best parenting advice i never received

Yesterday my oldest daughter turned 14. That means I’ve been a parent now for almost 1/3 of my life.  I’ve gotten plenty of advice.  Bad advice, good advice, advice I haven’t yet figured out if it’s good or bad.  But one piece of advice I never, ever received.  One tip – a very, very practical tip – no one ever told me.  I didn’t read it in a book until last year, thirteen years into my parenting journey and too late to start all over and do it again.

Luckily, it had already accidentally happened.

Not from the beginning, mind you.  I didn’t stumble upon this real-life key to raising amazingly awesome kids that actually works until four years ago.  Well, maybe that’s not true.  Dan and I had some pretty phenomenal friends in the beginning… the kind of friends your kids call “aunt” and “uncle.”  The kind of friends who teach your kids art or astronomy or pole vaulting, to fill in the blanks of the things you can’t do.  The kind of friends you imagine them going to when they’re freaky teenagers and they won’t talk to you because you’re freaky parents-of-teenagers… but they go to them.  And Aunt & Uncle So-and-So say exactly what you would say, only without the freakiness because its not their kids asking for love advice or sex details or saying they want to skip college and move to China.

But then they moved.  And, like most parents, we got busy.  Really busy.  Life happened. 

But as I was saying, four years ago we made a change.  We accepted God’s call to begin a new adventure:  college ministry.  Boy, did we get the parenting advice then!  People came out of the woodwork to let us know the danger college students would pose on our family.  The late nights… the crazy schedules… the music… the alcohol… the hook-ups… even the things they watch on tv – all were topics of warning we heard from concerned friends and family.  College ministry was not for sweet young families like ours.  But God and we disagreed.

Over the past four years, my girls have been poured into, encouraged, loved, led, and taught by some of the most godly people I’ve ever known – and, don’t miss this – people uniquely positioned to have a voice that my girls are hyper-attentive to.  COLLEGE STUDENTS.  Why do young girls idolize the nineteen year-old stars they see on tv?  Because they’re bad?  Because they’re famous?  Because they don’t wear enough clothes?  Because they’re rich?  Because they sing great music?  (Ok, that one I just gave to ya.)  NO…  it is because they’re nineteen.  In our home, in our life, the Lord has given us a extraordinary gift.  He’s given us an army of nineteen year-old voices to counter the ones our girls hear from the world.  And they listen.  They hear.  And it’s awesome.

We are nowhere near done yet.  We have 208, 364, and 604 weekends, respectively, left with our girls before they turn eighteen.  We’re one year into the teenage years and holding on for dear life.  But I have a feeling this gift we’ve been given, the influence of godly college-aged women and men on our girls lives, is going to be a deal-breaker.  I have a feeling that, even if we hadn’t stumbled into college ministry by the pre-ordained call of God, that if we heard & heeded advice to position mentors in our girls’ lives, it would work the same.  And I have a feeling that, now that we’ve transitioned out of strictly college ministry into pastoring a church-wide, multi-generational movement, we’re gonna have to be intentional about keeping this an integral part of our girls’ lives.

I brought evidence, just in case you don’t believe me.   The Lord has blessed us this year with what we affectionately call, “The Neighbor Girls.”  Three precious college girls live in the rent house right next door to us.  Words cannot express how much our girls look up to, love, and listen to these three mighty women of God.  And for “Evidence A,” I’d like you to read the inside of my eleven year-old’s birthday card she received from the neighbor girls last week:

(Yes, I know its sorta like snooping… I have their permission, so read without guilt.)

Happy Birthday, Carson! I hope you have a super amazing day! It’s been so great getting to know you. I love seeing that fire in you to make Christ known in the nations. Keep Him your passion and you’ll always succeed!

Love you,

Kellye

Carson,

It has been such a blessing having you in Journey Group! I am already seeing God use you for His kingdom!

Love you! and Happy Birthday!

Shaela

CARSON!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY lil sis! I hope you have the most phenomenal birthday EVER! I’m praying that God will use this year to draw you closer to Him and give you even more of a passion for Him! You are such a blessing. Never give up your dream to save the world! If your goal is to make known the glory of God, you will not fail!

I love you!

Paige

So here’s my advice:

PARENTS – Find yourself some neighbor girls.  Do whatever it takes.  Make sure they’re legit… there are plenty of college students that my six year-old could counsel.  But find the ones that are pursuing Christ with everything they’ve got.  There are lots of them.  God is moving in this generation of college students like nothing you & I ever dreamed of.  Lead a small group of them in your home.  Feed them dinner.  Do their laundry.  Hire them as babysitters.  And by all means, if you’re at Journey Campus, get your kids in First Look, UpStreet and Journey Students every single week.  The best of the best are there, leading, serving, teaching, pouring into the next generation.  It’s not about taking your kids to church.  It’s about being the church.   Be the church with college students.

COLLEGE STUDENTS – You have a legacy.  The next generation is listening.  Someone spoke God’s love and Truth into you.  It’s your turn.  Speak.  Counter the voices the world is throwing at my daughter’s hearts every minute of every day.  Don’t remain quiet.  Speak into the next generation.  If you already are, thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You don’t have to have everything figured out.  Pursue Christ with everything you’ve got, and let my kids have a glimpse into the ride.  And if you’re at Journey Campus, by all means come talk to me and let me help you plug into First Look, UpStreet, or Journey Students.

P.S.  The book I read last year that gave this parenting advice I never received is the best parenting book I’ve yet read:  Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, by Reggie Joiner.   You can find it online at orangeparents.org, as well as other real life resources that work for real families with real kids like yours and mine.  And no, I’m not getting a commission.  ;)